


Poly Problems

by BloodWhitePanther



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Advice, Alec Lightwood gives good advice, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Awkward Crush, Best Friends, Canon Related, Childhood Friends, Coming Out, Communication, Confusion, Consensual Ethical Responsible Non-Monogamy, Crying, Daylighter Simon Lewis, Declarations Of Love, Developing Relationship, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Fix-it, Episode Related, Episode: s02e14 The Fair Folk, Episode: s02e15 A Problem of Memory, Established Relationship, Everyone Needs A Hug, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Female Friendship, Fix-It, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Het, Honesty, Hugs, Hurt Simon Lewis, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Dubcon Kissing, Internet, Isabelle Lightwood Gives Good Advice, Jace Wayland Deserves Nice Things, Jace Wayland Needs A Hug, Jace Wayland is a Herondale, Kissing, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, Makeup Sex, Making Love, Making Out, Making Up, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Multi, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Not Canon Compliant, Open Relationships, Pajamas & Sleepwear, Panic Attacks, Polyamorous Character, Polyamorous Clary Fray, Polyamory, Polyamory Fix-It, Polyamory Negotiations, Possibly Pre-Slash, Pre-OT3, Pre-Poly, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Threesome, Queer Character, Queer Themes, Reconciliation, Relationship Advice, Relationship(s), Research, Season/Series 02 Spoilers, Seelie Court, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Self-Reflection, Sex God Simon Lewis, Sexual Confusion, Sexual Content, Sexual Identity, Spoilers, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, Threesome, Threesome - F/M/M, Triad relationship, Vampire Simon Lewis, Vee relationship, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-02-28 17:42:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18761266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodWhitePanther/pseuds/BloodWhitePanther
Summary: This fic was inspired by a very poly-friendly conversation between Isabelle and Clary that took place in S02E15: A Problem of Memory shortly after the train wreck at the Seelie Court in S02E14: The Fair Folk. Spoilers ahead.“Clary, Seelie magic might trick you, but it’s always true. I know it’s confusing, but you can have feelings for two people at the same time. It doesn’t make you a bad person.”—Isabelle Lightwood





	1. Isabelle is Amazing

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This fic was inspired by a very poly-friendly conversation between Isabelle and Clary that took place in S02E15: A Problem of Memory shortly after the train wreck at the Seelie Court in S02E14: The Fair Folk. Why do I love Izzy so much? This conversation. One hundred percent this. <3 I wish I had a cool poly-sympathetic bestie like her. Spoilers ahead. Please note that the definitions in this chapter have been sourced from the following web resources:
> 
> Monogamy definition 1 from Google Dictionary  
> Monogamy definition 2 from Google Dictionary  
> Polygamy definition from Google Dictionary  
> Polyamory definition 1 from Google Dictionary  
> Polyamory definition 2 from Wikipedia  
> Polyamory definition 3 from Wikipedia  
> Emotional infidelity definition from Womansday.com  
> Open relationships definition 1 from Wikipedia  
> Open relationships definition 2 from Dictionary.com
> 
> Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings and concepts belong to the legal copyright holders. This is a fanwork, and I have not profited financially from its creation or distribution.

**Excerpt from S02E15: A Problem of Memory**

IZZY: We’re transferring Valentine to Idris tonight. I assume you want to be part of the mission.

CLARY: Uh, actually, I don’t. I-I have to go sort all this out with Simon in person.

IZZY: I know it’s none of my business, but after what you guys just went through, maybe you should give Simon some time.

CLARY: No. No, I can’t let him think that what happened in the Seelie Court is how I really feel.

IZZY: Clary, Seelie magic might trick you, but it’s always true. I know it’s confusing, but you can have feelings for two people at the same time. It doesn’t make you a bad person.

\--

**Chapter 1: Isabelle is Amazing**

Isabelle Lightwood is pretty much the most amazing woman that Clary has ever met, but even talking to her bestie can’t make her feel completely okay right now. It does help to hear Izzy say that she’s still a good person and perfectly normal, but it doesn’t erase Simon’s pain or her own confusion after what happened in the Seelie Court. It does, however, pique Clary’s curiosity. After a few deep breaths, she steels her will and starts googling. The search term “can you love two people at the same time” brings up over 60,000 results of varying opinions and quality levels. Clary enters full research mode.

Four hours later, after a really deep dive down the cyberspace rabbit hole, Clary is armed with a wide variety of romantic advice and some helpful definitions.

 **Monogamy:** (1) the practice or state of being married to one person at a time; (2) the practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner.

 **Polygamy:** the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time.

 **Polyamory:** (1) the practice of engaging in multiple sexual relationships with the consent of all the people involved; (2) the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner with the consent of all partners involved; (3) consensual, ethical and responsible non-monogamy.

 **Emotional infidelity:** emotional affairs occur when one partner is channelling physical or emotional energy, time and attention into someone other than the person they are in a committed relationship with to the point that their partner feels neglected.

 **Open relationships:** (1) an open relationship, also known as a non-exclusive relationship, is an intimate relationship which is consensually non-monogamous; (2) an open relationship is one where an established couple has mutually agreed to share a non-monogamous lifestyle; this includes either or both parties having other sexual and/or romantic partners; this type of relationship is carried out with the consent and knowledge of all parties involved; otherwise, it is considered infidelity.

It’s clear after her extensive research that Isabelle is right. A lot of people have emotional, romantic and sexual feelings for more than one person at a time. For polyamorous people, this isn’t considered a problem, but for monogamous people, it can be. Until today, Clary has never considered being anything but monogamous, and although she’s heard of polygamy (illegal in all fifty states) and open relationships (often considered casual), she’s somehow managed to go 18 years without ever encountering the word polyamory. She’s pretty sure that Simon and Jace haven’t heard of it either.

Clary may not have it all figured out yet, but she knows three things for certain: (1) she loves Simon with all her heart, (2) she’s clearly still attracted to Jace, and (3) it’s really fricking wrong to force people kiss each other against their will. She can’t deny the excitement she’d felt kissing Jace again, but what happened in the Seelie Court was both non-consensual and cruel to all parties involved.

Izzy was right about another thing, too. They’ve all been through a lot, and Simon deserves some space if he needs it. She knows that, she does, but it’s a hard fact to reconcile. She herself is overwhelmed with love, empathy, guilt, shame and the terror of impending heartbreak. Clary fears that, if left to his own devices, Simon will feel abandoned and alone and basically assume the worst. In her limited experience, boys aren’t much for talking about their feelings, even on a good day, but something this shattering needs to be discussed. At the very least, she wants to apologize to Simon and tell him how much she loves him. She probably also needs to talk to Jace, but that’s a battle for a different day.

Going by the boathouse at the Jade Wolf proves fruitless, hammering home Izzy’s point: you can’t talk to someone if they can’t or won’t talk back. And right now, Simon can’t even look at her. Fine, then, she won’t go running back to pound on his door again. But she needs to make contact. She can’t just sit by while Simon is suffering.

Clary starts with a text message: “I love you so much. I’m sorry.” And then, she flops onto her bed and spends some time crying into her pillow.

She texts Simon again in the morning, despite his complete lack of response: “I love you. Please talk to me.”

Logically, she knows she should be using the time apart to think, but it’s difficult to sort out her own feelings without someone to talk to. She could talk to Izzy again or maybe even Alec, who gives surprisingly good romantic advice, but she really needs to talk to Simon. No one knows Clary better than he does, and it’s impossible to fix things with no idea what he’s thinking. Simon is both her lover and her best and oldest friend, and she craves nothing more than his comforting embrace. Clary wants Simon to hug her and tell her that everything’s going to be okay like he has done for over a decade of crises and calamities.

She decides it’s time to go back to Simon’s place.


	2. The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clary talks to Simon face to face for the first time since the incident at the Seelie Court.
> 
> Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings and concepts belong to the legal copyright holders. This is a fanwork, and I have not profited financially from its creation or distribution.

This time, Simon answers the door when Clary knocks. He doesn’t look exactly pleased to see her, but he does allow Clary to come inside.

“I missed you,” Clary begins tremulously. “I’m really sorry for what happened at the Seelie Court. I-I want you to know how much I love you.” Simon makes a quiet scoffing sound in reply and doesn’t look up from his shoes. His arms are crossed defensively in front of him. “I mean it, Simon. I love you so much.”

“Stop it, Clary,” Simon interjects angrily. “You don’t mean that the way I do when I say it. Seelie magic doesn’t lie.”

“That’s not fair,” Clary says. “Don’t you remember what Jace said? The Seelies always twist things.”

“Don’t. Don’t lie to me. I was there,” Simon replies softly.

“So was I, Simon,” Clary argues insistently. “She didn’t ask me to kiss the person I love most. She didn’t ask me who I wanted to be with.”

“No, she just asked you to kiss whoever you desired most!” Simon yells, gesticulating angrily.

“No, she didn’t! Listen to me because I’ve thought a lot about this and I remember exactly what she said. She asked me for the _kiss_ I most desired not the _person_.”

“Well, that’s bad enough, Clary. How the hell am I supposed to be okay with that?”

“I don’t know, Simon, but can’t we at least talk about this? I love you so, so much. I can’t lose you,” Clary begs, reaching for Simon’s hand, but Simon steps back just out of reach.

“I don’t want to lose you either, but I can’t stop seeing it. The way you kissed him was nothing like the way you kissed me,” Simon says, sounding lost.

“I know. And I’m still really sorry about that. But you have to know that nothing ever would have happened with Jace without that Seelie she-devil. I would never cheat on you.”

“I know that, Clary… ”

“You were both dying right in front of me! What was I supposed to do?”

“Look, it’s not just about the kiss, Clary, or even the way you kissed him. It’s about the fact that you wanted to kiss Jace more than you wanted to kiss me in the first place. Maybe she didn’t ask you who you wanted to be with or who you desired most, but when she asked you who you wanted to kiss most, you picked Jace over me,” Simon says, finishing in a whisper and scuffing at the ground with his shoe.

“I did not pick Jace,” Clary denies firmly. “The _spell_ did. Don’t forget that I kissed you first. Doesn’t it matter at all that I chose you, that I want to be with you?”

“Of course, it does, but I don’t know if it’s enough. If she had asked me who I wanted to kiss, no one else in the world could’ve even compared to you,” Simon confesses. He sounds somehow both sad and passionate about the admission. Clary feels both touched and a little bit frustrated. Simon is clearly hurting, but how can she get through to him when it sounds like he’s already made up his mind? She has to get him to understand the circumstances somehow. She has to at least try.

“You’ve got it backwards again. She asked me for the ‘kiss you most desire,’” Clary corrects him. “I’ve been doing some research about Seelie magic, and it’s all about the wording — the exact phrasing, Simon.”

“What do you even mean by that?”

“I mean, it wasn’t about the person. It was about the kiss itself,” Clary answers, and Simon’s eyes flash at her in confused annoyance.

“Are you saying I’m a crappy kisser? Because that really doesn’t help.”

“Of course not!” Clary snaps, taking a deep, calming breath before continuing. “But you have to admit it was coerced and kind of perfunctory. The Seelie Queen ordered me to kiss someone. And then, you told me to hurry up and get it over with, so we could go home.”

“Okay, but why didn’t you kiss Jace the same way then?” Simon counters. “You guys practically made out in front of me.”

“It takes two to tango, Simon,” Clary says uncomfortably, shifting her weight from foot to foot and wringing her hands a little in nervous frustration. “You kissed me like you were uncomfortable and kind of in a rush. Jace kissed me like he was dying for it.” Clary chews on her lower lip anxiously. She hadn’t intended to bring Jace and his behaviour into this. It probably wasn’t the best idea to allude to any feelings Jace might potentially have for her. She looks up from where she’s fiddling with her hands to meet Simon’s eyes. He returns her gaze searchingly, trying to understand what she’s saying. After a moment, he hesitantly replies.

“Okay, it still sounds like you’re saying that I suck at kissing,” Simon says, pausing for a second before reluctantly continuing. “Or at least, that you like kissing Jace more.”

“No,” Clary says firmly. “I’m saying that that one kiss in that one moment was more passionate. I’m saying that I love you more than anything in the world, and I want to be with you.” There’s a soft look growing in Simon’s eyes now, but he doesn’t seem wholly satisfied with this explanation.

“But you’re still attracted to Jace. And you clearly liked kissing him. Can you honestly tell me that there’s nothing else there — that you don’t have any feelings for him at all?” Simon asks with a hint of desperation. Clary hesitates for a second too long, and his face falls. Clary swallows, takes a deep, calming breath and forges on.

“I — no — but you can have feelings for more than one person at a time.” Simon fiddles with his sleeve, not quite meeting Clary’s eyes anymore.

“Maybe, but there’s always someone you want more. Do you honestly expect me to believe that you want me more than you want Jace after everything that’s happened?”

“You’re talking about love like it’s a finite resource! Like people only have so much to love to give before it runs out,” Clary counters passionately, her ire beginning to rise despite herself. It was the wrong thing to say.

“Wait, are you telling me you’re actually in love with him? You can’t love two people at the same time! At least, not the way they deserve to be loved,” Simon says sadly.

“Some people can,” Clary argues. “I-I’ve been researching that, too.”

“What are you talking about?” Simon asks with a deep sigh.

“There’s more than one way to love, and there’s more than one way to have a relationship,” Clary replies, beginning softly at first but gaining confidence as she speaks — she’s done her research, after all. “There’s functional monogamy where you’re only with one person at a time. And there’s emotional monogamy where you only love one person at a time. But there’s also something called polyamory.”

“Poly what now?” Simon asks, blinking at her and crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Polyamory, or just poly for short,” Clary clarifies. “Emotionally speaking, it means you can fall in love with more than one person at a time.” Here, she hesitates but then forges on — honesty first, after all. “I think I might be poly, Simon.”

“What does that mean? Are you saying you want some kind of open relationship?” Simon asks. “Because I don’t think I can do that. Not with you, Clary.”

“No, I’m saying it’s part of who I am. I’m not saying that I need, or even necessarily want, to be with anyone else. You’re the most important person in my life, and if you want to be monogamous, that’s okay. B-but I’ve always had overlapping crushes, and I don’t think that’s ever going to go away,” Clary admits nervously. “Is that something you can live with?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never heard of any thing like this. I think I need some time…” Simon trails off, looking conflicted, and moves to back away from Clary. She reacts without thinking, reaching out for his sleeve and then clutching at his wrist.

“Wait. C-could just hug me?” Clary asks a little desperately. “Please just hug me first, and then, I promise I’ll go home and let you think.” Simon looks uncertain, but he steps closer when Clary tugs gently on their clasped hands. And then, the dam breaks, and Simon wraps his arms around her, holding Clary like he never wants to let go. Clary responds by wrapping her arms around Simon so tightly that it kind of hurts, clutching at Simon like a lifeline and pressing her teary face into his shoulder. Simon shudders and holds her tighter. They are both crying a little — Clary can tell from Simon’s breathing — but neither of them says a word. They stay like that, just holding each other, for a long time.


	3. Yearning and Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confusion and yearning abound as Jace self-reflects and tries to talk to Clary and Simon self-reflects and begins to research polyamory. 
> 
> Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings and concepts belong to the legal copyright holders. This is a fanwork, and I have not profited financially from its creation or distribution.

**** When they first return home from the Seelie Court, Jace feels energized and hopeful for the first time since he had decided not to tell Clary they weren’t actually siblings. It had been a difficult decision, but he hadn’t wanted to jeopardize Clary’s happiness with Simon. Her reaction had been devastating when the news had eventually come out. She hadn’t seemed to see any connection between Jace deciding not to tell her they weren’t related and his desire to preserve her happiness with Simon. This had completely crushed any remaining hope that Jace might have had for rekindling a romance with Clary. Until now.

Now, for the first time in weeks, Jace can breathe again. He feels lighter but also a little tense with nerves. He has no idea what this means exactly. Clary and Simon both seem pretty devastated by recent events. But he has to at least try. He needs to find Clary and ask her how she feels. He needs to confess his own feelings despite his nerves because Seelie magic doesn’t lie. No matter how scary it may seem, Seelie magic doesn’t lie, meaning that the kiss he shared with Clary was what she’d most desired. She can lie to herself and Simon all she wants, but she clearly still has feelings for Jace, and he isn’t about to let go of that. No, Jace needs to find Clary, so they can talk.

However, finding Clary turns out to be a lot easier said than done. Every time Jace tracks her down, she makes a quick exit. Sometimes, she offers a weak excuse for why she has to leave, and other times, she simply makes an about-face in the hallway and heads rapidly in the opposite direction. When he does eventually manage to corner her, she simply replies with “I can’t.”

It’s beyond frustrating for Jace, but he relents a little and tries to give her the space she needs to figure herself out.

***

Simon is alone in the boathouse, lying in bed on his back. The curtains are drawn despite his new status as a Daylighter, and yeah, he’s basically hermitting at home alone in the dark. So what? He’s suffering, okay.  

Simon chews on his lower lip and flops around restlessly, trying to think. He wants to believe that what he has with Clary is enough and that she loves him as much as he loves her, but he has some initial doubts. He’s never heard of this polyamory thing before, and he doesn’t really know what it means, practically speaking. If Clary is poly, can she actually be happy in a monogamous relationship with Simon? Or would she be denying a part of herself by doing that? And even if she is content that way, she said herself that she’ll never stop falling for other people. Can he somehow be okay with that, or will he always feel jealousy and rejection when he finds out about one of her crushes?

Simon rolls onto his side and wraps himself around a pillow. He’s stopped crying for the first time since Clary left the day before, but his chest still feels tight. He’s loved Clary for as long as he can remember, probably since the first time he laid eyes on her. Simon doesn’t know if he can survive breaking up with the girl of his dreams. Not to mention the fact that he’d also be screwing up their friendship. That’s why Simon had always put off asking Clary out in the past — it just wasn’t worth the risk of losing her forever.

After Clary kissed him for the first time on the rooftop, they had promised each other that, no matter what, they would always stay friends. But now that he’s had a taste of the pure, blinding joy of being with Clary, that prospect seems even more daunting. Could Simon survive leaving Clary? And if he does break up with her, could he stand watching Clary be happy with someone else? Although Jace hasn’t made a move yet, at least not as far as Simon knows, he’s pretty sure that his rival won’t hold off very long if Simon dumps her. And he couldn’t even really blame Jace for that.

Simon may feel like shit right now, but things have to legitimately suck for Jace, too. After all, the only reason Jace and Clary had broken things off was Valentine’s deceitful assertion of their non-existent sibling relationship. Simon remembers the all-consuming way that Clary and Jace used to look at one another, gazing into each other’s eyes like nothing else mattered in the universe. And judging by the one-sided persistence of that look, things hadn’t ever really changed for Jace. The dude was clearly still in love with Clary. Hell, he might even have been in love with Clary when they’d thought themselves siblings. Now that they know they aren’t related, it feels like a foregone conclusion that Jace and Clary will want to get back together. How can Simon ask Clary to stay away from Jace, to keep things platonic when they’re clearly still in love?

Growling in frustration, Simon rolls over. He doesn’t think seeing them together will ever be anything but utterly heart wrenching. So where does that leave him? Simon sits up and grabs a notepad and pen from his nightstand. It’s time to make a list.

Here’s what Simon knows:

  1. I love Clary.
  2. I don’t want to break up with her.
  3. Clary says she loves us both but wants to stay with me.
  4. Jace still loves Clary and will probably ask her out, especially if we break up.
  5. Clary is polyamorous, but she’s willing to try monogamy anyway.
  6. The Seelie Queen is a meddlesome motherfucking bitch.



_ Fuck my life,  _ Simon thinks.  _ This situation is impossible.  _ Polyamory is the biggest question on his list, so he pulls out his phone to do a little googling. 


	4. Make Up or Break Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clary pines alone in her room at the Institute until she gets an unexpected visitor.
> 
> Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings and concepts belong to the legal copyright holders. This is a fanwork, and I have not profited financially from its creation or distribution.

Clary is alone in her room at the Institute hugging her pillow. It’s been a day and a half since her talk with Simon, and he has yet to initiate contact with her. Jace, however, has attempted to get her alone approximately 17 times since the incident at the Seelie Court. Considering it’s been less than five days, it feels a little excessive.

Clary sighs. She knows she’ll need to talk to Jace eventually, and it’s pretty clear they still have feelings for each other, but she has no idea what to say to him. Being poly is confusing, and Clary is terrible at hiding things. What is she supposed to say?

“Yeah, I love you, too, Jace. But I also love Simon, and I want to stay with him. But oh wait, I have no idea if he even wants to stay with me,” Clary mutters irritably. Suddenly, there’s a sharp knock at her bedroom door, and Clary sits bolt upright in bed. _Crap,_ she wonders, _who is it?_

Considering she’s in her room at the Institute, odds are, it’s probably Jace or Izzy. And whoever it is, they probably want to talk to Clary about her feelings. She briefly wonders if she can get away with ignoring her visitor entirely by pretending to be asleep. Yeah, it’s the middle of the afternoon on a weekday, but she’s suffering, okay?

“Clary, it’s Simon. Izzy let me in,” Simon calls through the door. Clary is up and running to the door without a thought for her fuzzy flannel pyjamas, frizzy hair and tear-streaked face. She yanks the door open to reveal a somewhat rumpled looking Simon. He’s wearing sweatpants and an old graphic tee featuring the Joker, and he looks weary.

“Hi,” she greets him, trying not to sound too breathless.

“Hi,” Simon says, stuffing his hands in his pockets and shifting around uncomfortably. “Can we talk?”

“Of course! Come inside,” Clary says, still sounding oddly breathy to her own ears. She steps quickly backwards, drawing the door wide open and ushering her boyfriend inside. At least, she really hopes Simon is still her boyfriend.

Simon crosses the room to sit at the end of Clary’s bed with a sigh. She lets the door fall shut and cautiously approaches him, unsure if she should sit down next to him or keep a little distance between them. It depends largely on what he’s here to say. Clary stays standing, fidgeting with the sleeves of her too big plaid pyjamas.

“Can I get you anything?” she offers awkwardly. Simon just looks her up and down as if wondering where she’d go to get him a drink dressed like this. She blushes self-consciously, and when Simon’s eyes eventually drop to the floor, she discreetly drags her fingers through her hair and wipes at her wet cheeks with her sleeve. Simon does not at first respond, but after a moment, he sighs and speaks.

“Clary, I don’t want to lose you.”

“I-I don’t want to lose you either,” she stutters out, pulse picking up hopefully.

“So,” Simon says, at last looking her in the eyes, “given the choice, do you still want to be with me?”

“Of course I do! Simon, of course I do,” Clary reassures him quickly, rushing to sit next to him and reaching tentatively for his hand. He lets her take his hand in hers, but it remains stiff in her grasp as he meets her eyes searchingly.

“And knowing that Jace isn’t your brother — that he probably still has feelings for you — that doesn’t change your choice?” he asks in a slightly challenging tone, like he wants to be sure of her — as sure of her as she is of him.

“Simon, it isn’t a choice. Whatever I feel for Jace, it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I love you. I can’t live without you in my life.” Simon’s eyes soften, and his hand finally squeezes hers back.

“I love you, too. But Clary, you need to be sure. You need to be really sure that this is what you want.” Clary opens her mouth to speak, but Simon lays a finger against her lips briefly to quiet her. “Wait, let me finish. If we break up now, it’ll hurt like hell, but I’ll survive it. If we stay together, and you change your mind later, it’s going to destroy me. So be sure, okay?”

“Simon, I’m sure,” Clary says a little brokenly because it hurts that he still doesn’t know that. “I love you so much.” She doesn’t realize she’s crying again until Simon lifts the hand not holding hers to brush the tears from her cheeks.

“Good,” Simon says. “Good.” And then, they’re kissing each other. It’s the first time Simon has let Clary kiss him since the Seelie Court. It’s soft and searching and sweet for a moment, and she’s pretty sure Simon has been crying too because he tastes of tears. “I missed you,” he murmurs against her mouth. “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you, too,” she says, and then, she’s crawling boldly into Simon’s lap. She straddles him and kisses him again, fiercely this time, burying both hands in his hair in order to hold him to her. She bites at his bottom lip until he opens his mouth for her, beginning to assault his last defences with her tongue. Simon groans deeply, and his responses shift slowly from tentative and uncertain to firm and certain to desperately frantic until he’s devouring her. Simon wraps his arms around her and moves to stand, and instinctively, Clary wraps her legs around his waist without ceasing her desperate assault on his mouth. Then, everything shifts, and when Clary regains her equilibrium, she finds that Simon has laid them crosswise on the bed. He’s on top of her, and his heavy weight is the perfect comfort she’s been missing all week, grounding her in the moment as he presses her bodily into the bed. They kiss again, deep and searching as if reassuring themselves that this is real.

Sometime later, when Clary’s lungs demand oxygen, they break apart to pant into each other’s mouths, drowning in each other’s eyes for a moment. Simon moves restlessly against her, she can feel how very hard and perfect he is, and she wants more fiercely than ever to have him inside of her.

“Please,” she gasps. “Simon, please.” With her legs still wrapped around him, she presses closer still, digging in her heels to hold him more firmly against her core.

“C-Clary, can I?” Simon murmurs, his hands at the buttons of her pyjama shirt. She nods breathlessly, and Simon fumbles at the buttons until he can bury his face in her breasts, mouthing at one of her nipples.

“Simon, please,” Clary begs again, tugging at his T-shirt until he pulls away enough to remove it. “I want you,” she says as Simon kisses her breasts, her collarbones, her neck, her lips. “Please, please… I want you,” she insists until Simon finally removes his sweatpants and her pyjama bottoms. She isn’t wearing any underwear, and she lets her legs fall wantonly open for him so he can see how very, desperately wet she is for him.

“Fuck, Clary, you’re so beautiful, so wet for me,” Simon says wonderingly, watching avidly as he slides two fingers into her cunt. Clary moans, and her eyes fall shut as he fingers her. “Oh, god, you’re so wet and ready for me,” Simon pants.

“Yes, fuck. Simon, please,” she begs. At last, he lines himself up at her entrance, and it’s heaven when he pushes his length inside her. “Oh, god. Oh, Simon,” she murmurs, wrapping her legs once more around his hips. “Yes, please, fuck me.”

They kiss again as Simon starts to move, rolling his hips against hers. He moves slowly and sinuously at first, working her languidly into a frenzy. Clary stares helplessly into Simon’s eyes as they breathe and move together, and it feels so very good that she can’t quite decide whether to beg him to keep going _just like that_ forever or to _move faster damn it_ because she wants to come.

“I love you,” Simon says softly, speeding up just slightly, and Clary’s eyes fall shut with a shudder. “Clary, I love you so much.”

“I love you so much, Simon,” Clary echoes, trembling as Simon kisses her eyelids, her cheekbones, her chin. And then, almost as if by surprise, she’s coming, clenching around him in the throws of her orgasm, gasping and moaning his name.

Simon follows her over the edge just as he’s followed her their whole lives, joyfully and without a second thought. They lie together until they catch their breath, and after Simon pulls out of her, he wraps Clary up in his arms, holding her tightly until they both fall asleep.

 

***

 

When Clary wakes, Simon is sitting next to her watching her sleep.

“Good morning,” he greets her with a slight smile.

“Hey,” Clary answers softly. “Is it actually morning?”

“Well, more like 3 a.m. but close enough,” he admits with a chuckle.

“I’m so glad you’re here with me.”

“What, you thought it was a dream?” Simon tries to joke.

“No,” Clary denies, pushing herself up to a seated position. “But until you showed up yesterday, I was worried I’d lost you forever.”

“Yeah, me, too,” Simon admits, reaching out to tuck one of Clary’s curls behind her ear.

“So what changed your mind?” she asks softly.

“I realized that I love you too much to let you go that easily. I want you in my life, Fray,” Simon answers, tracing a line from her ear to her chin before tilting her head up to kiss her soundly on the mouth.

They make love again, in part because they missed each other so much and in part because makeup sex is fucking awesome.


	5. Loving Without Limits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon hates seeing the people he cares about in pain.
> 
> Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings and concepts belong to the legal copyright holders. This is a fanwork, and I have not profited financially from its creation or distribution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Comments and kudos make the world go round, so please let me know what you think :)

Things are great with Clary. In most ways, they’ve fallen back into their new normal as a happy couple. The relief Simon feels is intense. He’s honestly thrilled they’re back together. It feels incredibly good just to hold onto each other — from holding hands and hugging to cuddling to making love, it doesn’t matter as long as she’s near. But the sex part is undeniably great. Everything feels more intense since they almost lost each other.

Anytime Simon and Clary are together, it’s easy to fall into the comforting embrace of their familiar dynamic. They touch all the time. They make each other smile. They have tons to talk about. They laugh at each other’s jokes. When close friends become lovers like this, the shared history between them makes for a strong foundation, and Simon knows now more than ever that he and Clary are solid, that she will always pick him, that no one will come between them. If Clary’s feelings for Jace didn’t break them, nothing ever will.

So it should be perfect. Simon knows he should feel happy about the way things played out. He got the girl, after all, and she’s still the love of his life and his very best friend. But somehow, it isn’t quite the same as before.

For one thing, Simon sees the way that Clary looks at Jace now. Oh, she tries not to. And it’s not all-consuming like before. It doesn’t even make Simon feel threatened anymore, not really. But it hurts him to see Clary sad. And whether she wants to admit it or not, she is. There’s nothing Simon wants more than to make Clary happy, and he knows that she is most of the time. When Jace isn’t around. When Simon is. But sometimes — on missions, in hallways, while training — sometimes it hurts Clary to look at Jace. Maybe it would be easier with some distance from the other object of her affection, but they’re all part of the same world now, and neither Clary nor Simon nor Jace is likely to get much space from the situation. They work together — or fight evil together anyways — and not one of them would ever give that up. But that doesn’t make it easy to see his girlfriend suffer no matter how well she manages to hide it.

For another thing, Simon never expected to feel so much sympathy for Jace. The guy is clearly struggling. He’s short-tempered and frustrated. He takes too many risks on the battlefield. He’s colder than before, sarcastic and sharp-edged, more like he was when Simon first met him. Jace is balanced on a razor's edge between aggravation and desperation. Alec and Izzy can tell that he’s suffering, too. Simon sees the way they look at each other when Jace does something particularly stupid. But Jace doesn’t want their sympathy, and he certainly wouldn’t want Simon’s. He’s like a wild animal in the way that he tries to hide his suffering.

And it works, for the most part. Jace and Clary are so busy avoiding each other’s eyes that Simon doesn’t think she realizes how much Jace still misses her. Even Alec and Izzy have backed off, assuming he just needs time to get over her completely. But Jace isn’t getting over her. And Simon sees the way he looks at Clary when he thinks no one’s watching him, like she’s still his entire world. Like he really, really misses her, which is honestly ridiculous considering how much time they still spend together. Jace shouldn’t be able to miss Clary so much when he still sees her every day. But it’s clear to Simon that he does. And for some reason, that hurts.

It hurts Simon to see Clary and Jace like this — and not quite in the way he expected it to hurt. He isn’t jealous anymore. He isn’t worried about his relationship with Clary. Things are still good between them most of the time. She’s okay. She might even get over Jace some day. And Simon knows how much Clary loves him, how much she’d give up to be with him and only him. But he also knows how much she loves Jace. And it hurts to see her like this. Clary shouldn’t have to give anything up for Simon. He’d like to think he’s generally a good person, that he’s more selfless than self-involved when it comes to the people he loves, that he’d give anything in the world to make Clary happy. But that isn’t true, and now he knows it. He’s a selfish lover, he’s possessive, he’s greedy for every bit of Clary’s affection, and that’s a hard thing to realize about himself. He doesn’t want to be the reason Clary misses out on life, the reason she doesn’t have everything she wants, the reason she gives up on someone she loves. It makes him feel like the villain of the story.

Simon never considered being anything but monogamous before Clary came out to him as poly. He outright dismissed the idea of having an open relationship with her. He loves her with his whole heart, and for him, that has always meant exclusively, so it’s hard to reconcile the wholehearted way that Clary loves him yet still loves Jace — simultaneously, inclusively and exponentially. She says love is not a finite resource and that loving someone else does nothing to diminish the depth of her love for Simon, and he believes it. It feels true despite the initial semblance of a paradox. Love is not bound by logic; rather, it is boundless. If a parent can love their children equally (because neither Simon nor Rebecca was ever the favourite growing up) and if a person can have two best friends (because what is Izzy if not Clary’s other bestie?), then why can’t Clary love Simon with every bit of her heart despite her feelings for Jace?

After some intensive self-reflection, Simon admits that she can. She clearly already does. It is possible, then, to love two people at the same time and still love them completely. But it isn’t the way that Simon knows how to love.

Polyamory doesn’t match the rhetoric of his everyday life — with his mundane upbringing chock full of superhero movies and rom coms and fairy tales, he has no framework for a relationship like this. He doesn’t know anyone with more than one long-term romantic partner. He’s never met anyone in a triad or a vee. Aside from internet porn, he’s never even considered a threesome. His idea of an open relationship had always hinged on sexual experimentation rather than romantic love. Until now, he’d always thought it was supposed to be about the sex.

But this isn’t about sex. In fact, Clary could probably go her whole life only having sex with Simon, and she figures she’d be happy that way. But she can’t help falling in love, and that’s something she’ll always be open to whether Simon likes it or not — hell, whether she likes it or not.

Simon knows this. Before he’d made up with Clary, he decided to be okay with it. He loves her more than anyone else he’s ever met, more than anyone else in the entire world, more than he even knew he could love, so he can be okay with Clary’s own limitless capacity for love. He’s already okay with it in theory. But he doesn’t have a road map for how to be okay with it in practice.

Simon doesn’t have the blueprint for building a healthy relationship with a polyamorous person. Clary, being newly awakened to the idea herself, doesn’t have the blueprint either. They are sleepwalking in the dark here, trying to figure out how to be together in the best way, and for the first time in his life, Simon finds himself considering non-monogamy.


	6. Little Boy Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace doesn't know how to go on living without Clary in his life — sometimes he can't breathe without her.
> 
> Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings and concepts belong to the legal copyright holders. This is a fanwork, and I have not profited financially from its creation or distribution.

Jace doesn’t know what to do. He’s acting reckless and stupid and more than a little bit lost, and he knows it. He feels like he needs to take action, but he doesn’t know how or even what kind of action he wants to take. Since their kiss at the Seelie Court, he doesn’t know how to behave around Clary anymore. He tries to talk to her, to find out what the kiss meant to her, but she doesn’t want to talk to him. Then, he tries to give her space hoping that, eventually, she’ll come and find him. Regardless of what she wants, at the absolute least, Jace needs clarification. He deserves to know what Clary wants from him.

But it’s been over a week now, and she still can’t even look at him nevermind talk to him about anything other than work. Simon’s also been hanging around again, at least according to Isabelle, but Jace hasn’t seen them together outside of official Institute briefings and debriefings. In a way, that’s an answer in and of itself. He doubts Simon would be attending Shadowhunter meetings so soon after dumping the love of his life, so his presence indicates an interest in staying with Clary. It hurts to realize that she probably doesn’t want to be with Jace, but it’s more than that. It’s starting to feel like she doesn’t even want to stay friends.

Eventually, he does see them together, holding hands in the cafeteria at breakfast. Jace doesn’t much care for the implications of Simon’s presence at the Institute at five-thirty in the morning. And it hurts to see her with Simon a lot more than it did before, something he hadn’t thought possible.

Jace doesn’t know why it hurts so much, but he figures the uncertainty is partly responsible for the pain. He doesn’t know why she picked Simon. Is it because she’s known him longer? Is it because she loves him more? Does Clary even care about Jace at all? If not, then Jace doesn’t understand why the magic would have picked him, but if she does care about him, even just a little bit, then he doesn’t understand why she’s avoiding him like the plague. Was the kiss just something physical to Clary? Was it a greener grass kind of situation where she wanted something just because she didn’t currently have it? Who knows, maybe she gets off on the thrill of having her cake and eating it, too. Maybe he’s nothing but a sex object to her. Or maybe it was more about the quality of the kiss itself. Simon barely pecked her on the lips whereas Jace gave her everything he had, poured his heart into kissing her, took anything and everything he could get. And he knows how to kiss. He’s good at it. It’s possible it was never about Jace at all.

Isabelle tells him not to go there because Simon and Clary are happy together. His sister is right, and he knows it. She always gives great advice. Clary and Alec both swear by her romantic guidance. But that doesn’t stop the hurt because it sucks to realize that Clary doesn’t love him anymore.

A small part of Jace wishes he could take back the kiss altogether. That part of him hates Queen Amara with a passion. He was okay before the incident at the Seelie Court. Not great but alive and living without Clary in his arms. He had gotten used living without holding her, without kissing her, when they thought they were siblings, and it sucked, but he was getting through it. He was fine.

He isn’t fine anymore. Not now that he remembers exactly what it feels like to kiss her. Not now that Alec and Izzy and even Simon can’t look at him without pity in their eyes. Not now that Clary can’t look at him at all.

Yet he can’t really bring himself to regret kissing her. He can’t even pretend he regrets giving it every bit of passion he had. If that’s going to be the last time he’ll ever kiss Clary, he wants to remember every perfect second of it. Given the chance for a do-over, he knows he’d do it exactly the same way all over again.

But he doesn’t want the kiss to ruin their relationship. After everything they’ve been through together, it burns like frostbite to think about losing her completely, chilling Jace to the bone. He can’t imagine his life without Clary in it. He can’t stand the idea of losing her friendship over something as stupid and selfish as his unrequited love for her. He misses her like a piece of himself is gone. They live in the same building. They work together. It’s ridiculous because she’s right in front of him, but it’s not like she ever touches him, talks to him about anything important, or even looks him in the eye anymore. Being with her but not really with her is probably more painful than being without her altogether, and for a second, he thinks about asking Alec for one of them to be reassigned elsewhere, but he knows he’d never go through with it.

When Jace is being honest with himself, he knows he doesn’t remember how to exist without Clary in his life, so he’ll take what he can get. However, life being what it is — consisting largely of suffering — it turns out he can’t have much of her at all. On Saturday morning, Clary doesn’t show up for a scheduled sparring session, and when Jace corners his parabatai to ask him about it, Alec admits that he’s taken over Clary’s training at her own request. Jace refuses to discuss it further despite Alec’s obvious concern. He slams the door to his parabatai’s office harder than he means to, but he has to get away from Alec. Otherwise, Jace is going to do something stupid or cruel — like taking out his rage on someone who doesn’t deserve it or like bursting into angry tears.

His throat feels tight, his eyes are burning, and he just has to get away before he humiliates himself by crying like a lovelorn idiot. He isn’t this guy. He’s never been this guy. But with Clary, everything’s different. He’s different. His lungs constrict, burning with lack of oxygen, but he doesn’t slow down. Jace can’t breathe. His vision blurs and swims until he can barely see, but he’s walking as fast as he can without running or activating his speed rune. That’s probably why he runs smack into someone on the way to his room.

_Please not Clary. As long as it isn’t Clary._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay, guys, this is the last update. I have the next two chapters written, but I'm holding them ransom until I get some feedback. Comments and kudos make the world go round, so if you want to know who Jace just ran into, give me a shout. Otherwise, I'll assume no one cares. Specifically, I'm hoping for a little direction. Do you want Clary to get with Jace? Would you rather she stay monogamous with Simon? Are you holding out for some hot threesome action? If you want that threesome, do you want the guys focused on Clary or hot for each other, too? Let's be honest, there's probably going to be a threesome because I love my OT3s, but is this a triad or a vee that I'm writing — i.e., should Simon get with Jace? I have a plan roughed out, but I'm of two minds about where to take this story, so let me know what you'd like to see.


	7. The Panic Attack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace has a panic attack. Fortunately, he isn’t alone for it.
> 
> Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings and concepts belong to the legal copyright holders. This is a fanwork, and I have not profited financially from its creation or distribution.

“Jace, are you okay?” Simon asks him. Jace actually laughs, high and sharp and jagged. He should have remembered to be careful what he wished for. He feels hysterically, ironically amused. Of course, it has to be Simon. It’s always Simon.

“I’m fine,” he says sharply, his voice sounding off even to his own ears. He tries to skirt around the vampire without making eye contact, turning his face down and away, hiding under his hair and resisting the urge to rub his eyes dry with his sleeve. Maybe Simon hasn’t noticed his tears. Or if he has, maybe he’ll ignore them. Maybe it’ll be okay if Jace can just get away.

“No, you’re not,” Simon says stubbornly, unable to make things easy for once, unwilling to just leave Jace alone. The fucker actually body blocks Jace from progressing down the hallway. He moves fast and stands firm in front of him, an immovable wall. “Tell me what’s wrong. Is Clary okay?” Jace laughs again, an ugly hissing sound because he still can’t catch his breath.

“Clary’s fine. I’m fine. Just get out… Of my way,” he says, forcing the words out angrily between deep, gasping breaths.

“No,” Simon says stubbornly, studying Jace’s face. And then, he asks, “Shit, are― Are you… crying?” Jace wants to die of embarrassment. He thinks he might already be dying, actually, but he wants to die faster. Simon reaches out to grab Jace by the shoulder. The tears are so thick now, two parts desperation and one part humiliation, that he doesn’t see the movement until it’s too late to dodge it. Jace struggles and sobs, and _fuck vampire strength_ because he can’t get away.

“Fuck off,” Jace says desperately, trying to wrench himself violently out of Simon’s grasp even as he pulls Jace into an unwilling hug. The vampire’s arms wrap around him, solid and unyielding and confusing. His eyes burn with angry tears, and he still can’t breathe, and he’s never been so utterly, completely humiliated before in his life. “Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck… Off…” he repeats like a mantra, his breath coming in shorter and sharper every time he inhales.

“Shut up. Just breathe,” Simon says, hugging him even tighter, squeezing until Jace can’t feel the pain in his chest anymore, and despite himself, he relaxes a little bit into the solid pressure of Simon’s embrace. It feels weird. Jace doesn’t normally hug anyone but family, and Simon and Jace aren’t even supposed to be friends. “Breathe with me, okay, Jace?” Simon says, following it up with a physical demonstration of slow, deep breathing. Jace can feel Simon’s chest moving in and out against his own. “Deep breath in, deep breath out,” Simon urges him.

Jace breathes.

After a moment, his throat and his chest loosen enough that his lungs stop burning.

“Thanks,” Jace says hoarsely. “I’m okay now. You can go.”

“Which room is yours?” Simon asks instead of dignifying that with a response.

“End of the hall. On the right.”

“Come on,” Simon says, wrapping an arm around his waist to guide him down the deserted hallway. Jace goes without protest.

“Look, I don’t know what that was, but I’m fine now. You don’t have to stick around,” Jace says when they reach his door, trying to sound calm and rational. He’d rather be alone right now, but when the vampire shows no signs of leaving, he lets Simon usher him into his room without much of a fight.

“It’s called a panic attack,” Simon answers him quietly, stubbornly ignoring that last part. “My mom used to get them after Dad died,” he explains as he follows Jace into his bedroom.

“Well, I don’t,” Jace argues, feeling petulant. Simon makes an effort not to roll his eyes. He doesn’t know how to comfort someone who’d rather die than admit that he’s suffering, but seeing Jace like this, he has to try. They were almost friends once. They’ve saved each other’s lives half a dozen times. And Simon has never seen Jace this broken before. It feels wrong to walk away, so he shuts the door behind them instead. Jace stands stiffly in front of him, still refusing to make eye contact.

“Come sit down,” Simon says, feeling oddly nervous about being alone with Jace behind the closed door. They don’t hang out. They’re never alone together. It feels too intimate, but there are no chairs in the room, so they sit at the foot of the bed. Jace won’t look up at Simon, but even with the hair in his eyes, it’s obvious he’s been crying. His cheeks are wet with tear tracks, but he’s breathing more normally now, and Simon counts that as a win.

“You’ve never had one before? A panic attack, I mean?” he clarifies.

“Maybe when I was a kid,” Jace admits cagily, feeling decidedly uncomfortable. “But I haven’t felt like that in years. Not since my dad died.” He laughs bitterly, not fully recognizing the lie until after he says it out loud. “I guess I should say when Valentine faked his own death while pretending to be Michael Wayland. Neither of them was actually my dad.”

Simon has no idea what to say to that. Grief sucks, and he knows what it’s like to lose a father. But he can’t imagine what it would feel like to find out years after the fact that the man who raised him hadn’t actually died. That he’d been kidnapped, raised and then abandoned by someone like Valentine. After a moment of hesitation, Simon puts his arm around Jace again, and the dude actually twitches this full-body twitch of discomfort, but he doesn’t try to get away this time. The fight is gone from him now, and he slumps down in defeat under the weight of Simon’s arm. Simon decides to count that as another win.

He tries to think of something reassuring to say, but if this is about Clary like he suspects it must be, Simon knows he’s last person on Earth that Jace wants to talk to. So he doesn’t speak. They just sit together in silence for a while.

Eventually, Jace scrubs a hand over his face, wiping away his tears and running his fingers through his hair to brush it out of his eyes. Without his bangs in the way, he looks even more vulnerable. His eyes are red from crying. His lashes are stuck together in wet clumps. He looks nothing like the strong, cocky warrior that Simon has come to know, but he tries not to stare. Simon tries to act normal — not that anything about this situation is normal — but he keeps his arm stubbornly around Jace. He doesn’t realize he’s rubbing his back until Jace squirms a little under his hand, chafing at the unfamiliar gesture like a wild animal unused to human touch. Eventually, he stills, settling under Simon’s arm once more.

“Clary asked Alec to train her,” Jace says abruptly, breaking the silence at last.

“Oh,” Simon says, feeling like a complete shithead. “That’s probably my fault.”

“Really, ya think?” Jace answers sarcastically, and the irritation in his voice almost makes Simon smile. Jace’s irritation is so much safer, so much more familiar to Simon than his despair.

“I swear I didn’t ask her to avoid you. I just asked her not to date you.” Jace scoffs at this, laughing an ugly sort of laugh.

“Date me? She doesn’t even want to be friends.”

“Yes, she does,” Simon argues because it’s true. Jace just sighs. “She misses you.” At this, Jace finally meets Simon’s eyes, staring at him in incredulous disbelief.

“Don’t be idiotic. She won’t even look at me.”

“Maybe not but she still misses being your friend.”

“If she misses me so damn much, why did she ask Alec to train her?” Jace demands irritably. Simon looks away. He can’t hold his gaze for the next part. He fidgets for a minute while he finds the right words.

“Because it’s hard for her. Being around you and not being with you,” Simon finally admits. Jace sucks in a startled breath. He shrugs off Simon’s arm, and this time, Simon lets him, dropping his hands in his own lap with a sigh.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Jace asks in a rough voice.

“It means she still cares about you. She loves you.”

“Clearly not as much as she loves you,” Jace responds bitterly.

“Look, I don’t like this any more than you do,” Simon snaps in frustration. Jace laughs again, sharp and bitter. It isn’t a good sound.

“Yeah, I bet it’s so hard for you. Being with her. Being loved more.” Simon’s anger deflates like a popped balloon.

“It isn’t about ‘more’ or ‘how much,’” he admits with a deep sigh. “I just got there first. We’ve been friends for over a decade, and we love each other.”

“So you’re definitely staying together then?” Jace asks quietly, bitterly.

“Yes, we’re staying together,” Simon answers almost gently. “But truthfully, if wasn’t for Valentine, I think she’d still be with you.” _Now who sounds bitter?_ he thinks. Simon’s lips quirk into an ugly, ironic smile. Jace laughs again, but it kind of turns into a dry sob.

“This is so fucked up. By the Angel, I hate him. He raised me, and I hate him more than anyone else in the world.”

“Me, too,” Simon agrees. “Except maybe the Seelie Queen.”

“Bitch needs to die,” Jace agrees immediately. Simon laughs, startled by the forceful reply.

“We’ll do it together,” Simon jokes. “A Shadowhunter with pure angel blood and the Daylighter he created? She doesn’t stand a chance.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Jace answers with a small, evil-looking smirk. It’s a huge relief to see the familiar expression on his face, and Simon finally begins to relax. The silence stretches between them for a few minutes, but Jace eventually breaks it.

“I love her,” he admits, digging his fingernails into his palms with so much force that his knuckles turn white.

“I know,” Simon says. “It’s okay.”

“No, it isn’t. And I’m not either,” Jace admits with a sigh.

“I know,” Simon says again, watching Jace wring his hands in his lap. It looks painful. “That’s okay, too,” he says, reaching over to take one of Jace’s hands in his. Surprisingly, Jace lets him. Maybe they’re actually friends now. Maybe he just needs the comfort as much as Simon does.

They lapse into silence again, thinking about the woman they both love and pretending it doesn’t hurt.


	8. Sleepwalking in the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clary pines. Alec lectures. Simon takes a leap of faith.
> 
> Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings and concepts belong to the legal copyright holders. This is a fanwork, and I have not profited financially from its creation or distribution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the delay, folks. I've had a busy week school-slash-career-wise. I hope you enjoy this chapter, and as always, feedback makes the world go round. Kudos and comments are cherished, not to mention motivating. :)

Clary is alone in her room waiting for Simon to show up when she hears someone knock. She hurries to the door, opening it with a grin on her lips, but she feels her face fall when it isn’t Simon standing in front of her. It’s Alec, and he does not look pleased.

“Alec. Hey. Am I late for training? I thought you said Sundays were better for—”

“I just talked to Jace,” Alec interrupts her. He pushes past Clary into her bedroom, motioning bruskly for her to shut the door behind him.

“Oh,” Clary says softly, biting her lip. Turning to face Alec, she lets the door fall closed behind her.

“He wanted to know why you missed training this morning. Clary, you said you were going to tell him,” Alec continues irately.

“I’m sorry, Alec,” Clary apologizes, but Alec just crosses his arms in front of his chest, glaring her down. “Honestly, I meant to tell him, but I just didn’t know what to say…”

“Well, I could’ve used a heads up!” Alec answers angrily, his frustration bleeding into his voice. “Jace was pretty pissed at me when I told him I’ll be training you from now on, and honestly, I get why. You basically stood him up, and judging by how long it took him to come by my office, he waited around for quite a while.” Clary flinches, feeling guiltier by the second.

“Shit, I’m sorry. Is he okay?” she asks.

“I don’t know,” Alec replies, uncrossing his arms and sighing in frustration. “He was really mad at me, which means he took off before we could talk about it. It would have been better coming from you.”

“I know. I swear I didn’t mean to hurt him, Alec. I just didn’t know how to explain things without making it worse.” At this, Alec’s eyes soften a little, but he persists with his lecture nonetheless.

“Then, you should have asked me to tell him. He didn’t deserve to find out like that,” Alec answers her. He’s right, and it makes Clary feel like a selfish moron. Of course she should have told Jace herself. Or at least warned Alec that she hadn’t. But she’d been trying not to think about the situation — trying not to think about Jace at all — and by ignoring the issue, she’d managed to forget about their training session this morning, missing her chance to explain things to Jace herself.

“You’re right. I-I’m sorry, Alec,” Clary replies, her voice shaking a little. She’s gone and made a mess of things again. Despite her best efforts, she just seems to keep hurting people. Clary can feel her eyes stinging a little with unshed tears, but she doesn’t want to cry in front of Alec. She wraps her arms around herself defensively, hoping that he can’t tell how upset she is.

“Hey, it’s okay. We all screw up sometimes,” Alec says gently, the last of his anger melting into concern, and Clary knows she’s failed to hide her feelings from him. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

“I’m fine, Alec,” Clary insists, still attempting to deny how she’s feeling.

“Look, I’m not just Jace’s brother — or his parabatai, for that matter. I’m also the head of the New York Institute, and I’m here if you need to talk to someone,” Alec offers.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Clary insists. She’s the bad guy here, after all. She doesn’t deserve Alec’s comfort. “Besides, we aren’t friends. The world might end if you’re too nice to me,” she jokes.

“If you say so,” Alec says doubtfully, but he makes his way toward the door. “Do you want me to get Izzy?” he offers. Clary quickly shakes her head. She doesn’t know how to explain things to Izzy any better than Jace.

“No, I want to be alone. Don’t worry, I’m just going to draw for a while,” she reassures him, picking up a stick of charcoal and moving to stand at her easel as she blinks back the tears. She’s sketching by the time she hears Alec close the door behind himself.

 

***

 

Simon knocks on Clary’s door. After a beat, he opens it and peers inside the room.

“Clary?” he calls uncertainly, still feeling a little on edge after his talk with Jace. He relaxes when he sees that she’s busy drawing. She’s standing at her easel with her back to the door, so absorbed in the task that she hasn’t heard him yet.

Simon slips quietly into the room, coming to stand behind her at the easel. Clary has her earbuds in, and she’s humming along to the music as she finishes up the drawing in front of her. It’s a portrait of Alec and Jace sparring together, grinning like neither of them has a care in the world. From the pose, it’s clear that Jace has the upper hand. Simon hasn’t seen the real Jace look that happy in days, weeks even. He sighs and gently lays a hand on Clary’s shoulder.

“Oh, hey!” Clary says brightly, pulling out her earbuds as she turns to look at Simon. “When did you get here?” she asks. Her eyes are a little bit red and watery, like she might have been crying not that long ago, but the soft smile on her face tells Simon that she’s genuinely pleased to see him.

“Sorry. I let myself in when you didn’t hear me knock,” he equivocates, feeling awkward about where he’s been for the last 45 minutes or so. “Everything okay?”

“Everything’s great. Sorry, I just got caught up drawing,” Clary explains, gesturing at the sketch in front of her with a piece of charcoal. Suddenly, it seems to occur to his girlfriend that she’s been caught drawing a picture of Jace, almost like she hadn’t previously realized who she was sketching. “Um,” she says, flushing with embarrassment.

“No worries,” Simon says quickly, diffusing the tension with a warm smile and a kiss to her pink cheek. “I’m used to coming in second to your art,” he jokes. Clary raises an eyebrow at this, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

“Oh really? Well, it serves you right, Lewis. You’re late,” Clary says archly, setting down the charcoal with an exaggerated huff.

“Sorry, I got caught up,” Simon says, parroting back his girlfriend’s excuse.

“It’s okay. I’m used to coming in second to your music,” Clary says wryly, incorrectly assuming that he’s been songwriting again. Simon lets the false assumption slide. The fact that Jace is having panic attacks isn’t his secret to tell her.

“Come on, Fray. It’s almost lunch time. Let’s go get something to eat,” he says taking Clary’s hand despite the charcoal smudges on her fingertips.

 

***

 

They’re sitting in the Jade Wolf eating leftover Chinese food for lunch. At least, Clary is eating. Simon is sipping from his mug in silence. Actually, he’s been quiet since they left the Institute. Clary decides she doesn't need to worry. Simon seems pensive more than anything. She adds cream and sugar to her coffee, stirring as she waits for her boyfriend to gather his thoughts. Simon is a talker by nature, and she knows he’ll say his piece when he’s ready. After a moment, he speaks.

“I think you should date Jace,” Simon says casually, pouring himself another mug of bovine blood from the thermos on the table. Clary chokes on her coffee at the complete non sequitur, wondering if she somehow misheard him.

“I’m sorry, what?” she splutters.


	9. Live and Let Live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon talks to Clary about polyfidelity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings and concepts belong to the legal copyright holders. This is a fanwork, and I have not profited financially from its creation or distribution.

“I said I think you should date Jace,” Simon repeats mildly, putting the cap back on his thermos and twisting it shut.

“But I’m dating you,” Clary protests, setting down her coffee cup.

“Look, I’ve been thinking a lot about what you told me,” Simon begins hesitantly. “And I still don’t want an open relationship but…”

“But?” she asks softly, her voice barely a whisper.

“Have you heard of polyfidelity?” Simon asks.

“I don’t think that came up in my research,” Clary admits. 

“What about a vee relationship?” he tries hopefully.

“Simon, what are you saying?” Clary asks. Her confusion and concern is apparent in the furrow between her eyebrows. Simon swallows nervously. He was really hoping he wouldn’t have to explain his idea in detail, but if it ends up making her happier, he figures it’s worth a little discomfort on his part.

“What if I’m saying you could date both of us?” he asks, his knuckles going white around the mug in front of him. When Clary doesn’t respond right away, Simon gathers his courage and looks up to meet his girlfriend’s eyes. Clary is staring at him with wide eyes, her mouth slightly open in surprise. 

“W-what do you mean ‘date both of you’?” she asks after a moment. Simon can’t help it. He laughs.

“I think that’s pretty obvious, Fray,” he says wryly, wiggling his eyebrows at her. Clary narrows her eyes at him, and he can tell that she kind of wants to kick him under the table, but she refrains. Simon takes a sip from his mug and waits as patiently as possible for his girlfriend to formulate a response.

“So theoretically, if I had two boyfriends… That’s called a vee?” Clary asks after a moment. Simon nods at her, trying not to look smug for knowing something about polyamory that she doesn’t. “Right. And that other word you said?”

“Polyfidelity. It means being faithful within a specific group of people. Like, if you were dating me and you were dating Jace but none of us were dating anybody else.”

“And that’s something you’d be willing to try?” Clary asks haltingly, seeming a little bit thunderstruck when Simon nods again. “Since when?”

“Since I realized how much this is hurting you. Staying away from him is making you sad.”

“I’m not sad,” Clary argues. Simon very nearly rolls his eyes. Really, she’s almost as bad as Jace. Out of the kindness of his heart, he decides not to point out the fact that he caught her sketching her ex with tears in her eyes less than an hour ago.

“Okay, let’s say wistful then. My point is you were happier before the Seelie court, when you were spending more time with Jace, but now that you’re avoiding him—”

“I’m not avoiding him,” Clary automatically denies ’cause it ain’t just a river in Egypt. She’s looking down at her plate, so Simon doesn’t have to feel bad about actually rolling his eyes this time.

“Yes, you are, Fray. I know you asked Alec to train you instead of Jace.”

“Okay, well, yeah… I did ask Alec to train me, but that doesn’t mean… Wait, how do you know about that already?”

“I ran into Jace this morning. That’s why I was late.”   
“You didn’t get into a fight, did you?” Clary asks worriedly, and okay, that’s fair. Jace and Simon argue quite a lot, and it tends to be about Clary. There was even that time when Simon slammed Jace into a wall, but sue him, he was turning into a vampire at the time.

“No, we didn’t fight,” Simon reassures her. “But Jace was upset, and when he told me why, I realized you’re avoiding him because of me.”

“Maybe a little bit. Training gets really physical sometimes, and I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to spar after that kiss,” Clary finally admits.

“Well, what if you didn’t have to avoid him anymore? What if you could date him instead?” Simon asks, forcing her to at least consider the idea.

“I don’t know. I have no idea if he’d even go for that. Nephilim can be pretty traditional,” Clary answers hesitantly, picking up her coffee mug and then setting it back down again. “But Simon, if I do ask him out, and he says yes, are you really going to be okay that?”

“Yeah, I think I am. All I want is for you to be happy — Jace, too, since we’re pretty much friends now — and as for the other part, you’ll never know unless you ask him.”

“Alright,” Clary agrees at last. “But the only way this works is with complete transparency. I don’t want to hide anything from either of you. Or anyone else for that matter. And if something is bothering you, I need you tell me.” Simon nods his agreement, reaching out to take Clary’s hand in his on the tabletop. 

“Absolutely. You, too, Fray. And Jace, assuming he’s in. Complete and total honesty.”

“Okay, so we’re really doing this then?” Clary asks, giving Simon one last chance to back out.

“We’re doing this,” Simon says decisively, squeezing her hand in reassurance.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: If you enjoyed the story so far and want to read more, please consider signing the following petition to save Shadowhunters:
> 
> https://www.change.org/p/anyone-who-this-show-has-saved-save-shadowhunters
> 
> #SaveShadowhunters


End file.
